When I started this blog I vowed that there were a number of things I would not do:
- I would not divulge my husband’s name on my blog. He may one day come to his senses and want to make a serious and sober life for himself, and being associated with a blog featuring a travelling pair of personified wooden shoes with a drinking problem might throw a wrench into plans of that nature.
- I would not write about my in-laws. My parents and siblings are fair game. I was forced to live through twenty years of nuclear-familial dysfunction with them before being spat out into the real world, and hey, you’ve got to blame someone. My in-laws, on the other hand, did nothing more than accept me warmly into their Dutch arms. Or accept me Dutchly into their warm arms. Either way, they accepted me once all the damage had already been done, and they are surely not the ones responsible for the fact that I cannot watch a DVD at home unless all the DVD boxes are lined up at perfect right angles with the side of the television stand.
- I would not write about my day job.
I have remained committed to the three rules above, and will continue to do so. But it has been difficult sticking to the rules of late. Especially Rule #3. You see, now that my holidays are over and things have gone back to their normal, hectic pace at the office, life has become a rather predictable catalogue of eating, sleeping, and working, with some non-essential bits thrown in here and there. But none of these bits would really make much of a post by themselves, so I’ve decided to squish a few of them together to make what I like to call:
The Shoes' List of Some Stuff that Happened Recently When I Was Not at Work
- Someone knocked on my window. Let me clarify. A person passing by in the street outside my house knocked on the outside of one of the downstairs windows, even though the light was on inside and I was therefore clearly visible sitting here at my desk. Do I look like a zoo animal or a goldfish? If I come to the window will you throw a sardine at me? WHO DOES THAT? The knocking noise scared the bejeezus out of both me and my dog. If, later this evening I suffer a late-onset heart attack as a result of your silly noisy behavior I am totally getting DNA swabs done on that window and putting the po-lice on your window-knocking ass.
- I took a ten-year-old child who doesn’t belong to me to the dentist. The dental hygienist tut-tutted that the child hadn’t been brushing her teeth nearly well enough. The hygienist then looked at me as if waiting for an explanation. I couldn’t be bothered trying to get into the complicated reasons why I was here with this walking cavity, so I simply said “I’m not her mother,” and just let the hygienist wonder why I had apparently abducted a child with poor dental health.
- I went to a party where I was properly introduced for the first time to a couple I only knew previously to say hello to in the street. As an opener I said, very cheerfully, “Oh yes, hello, I know you. I see you out with your dog sometimes.” I watched as the face of the woman half of the couple fell like a big droopy undergarment and her body crumpled into a pitiful misery heap. “Yeah,” said the man half. “She died four days ago.” The woman did not speak to me for the rest of the evening.
- My husband and I went to pick up a photograph which we had taken to a frame-maker a while back. The photograph is a numbered original, which we bought from a gallery in Canada. It’s not so expensive that you’d worry about The Thomas Crown Affair II being filmed in your house, but it wasn’t a one-hour photo from the Walmart either. So you can imagine how pleased we were to learn that one of our frame-maker’s frame-making colleagues had decided that it would be a super idea to put a hole right through our photograph. Which is a bit like, “Hey, that sculpture of David doesn’t really fit in this niche. Let’s take one of the legs off.” Imagine how that would have gone down back in the day.
Proving once again that even the most mundane of existences is shot through with moments of passion and drama.
Except I feel I cannot keep from you that today as part of my job I had to wear a cape. Seriously. Now I’ll say no more. But really, a cape! Like a superhero! Okay, I’ll stop now.