Monday, October 29, 2012

You should understand me like I understand you

You know it's Monday when you order a ham and cheese sandwich and realize only once you've already come back home, repositioned yourself at your desk, and begun unwrapping your (much-anticipated) lunch (which you decided to buy instead of making at home as a treat to yourself because, hey, it's Monday, the crappest day of the week, so let's live a little! Let's buy a sandwich!) that Sandwich Man forgot to include the ham.

What you have is a ham-less sandwich. Bread and cheese. A prison lunch. A sand. A wich.

Really Sandwich Dude? I mean, first of all, I always order ham and cheese. Never just ham. Never just cheese. And really, if you don't know me by now, you will never never ever know me. Oohh ooh ooh ooh oooh.

(We interrupt this post to bring you a musical interlude featuring Mick Hucknall singing to a bunch of chairs):

But seriously. I'm as predictable as an episode of Murder, She Wrote. So just stop assuming I'm spontaneous and adventurous. You Dutch may like to mix it up from time to time, but not us Canadians. No sir-eee bob. HAM + CHEESE. Every time. Amen.

Second, why would I go outside in this weather to order the most boring food on earth. I'll have you know I have all the ingredients at home to make countless most boring foods on earth. I have yogurt with no sugar in it. I have something called "spelt flakes." I have QUINOA. Oh yeah, and I have cheese. Boatloads of it.

Now pig. There is something I don't have, Sandwich Man. I do not have any pig at all. I went outside for pig, and thanks to you, I just came home with more cow. Thanks, Sandwich Man.